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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 9

Oh my god there’s blood everywhere!

NCAA Football: Texas at Texas Christian Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Blood week came for the Big 12 and my friends there were no survivors. Some days you know from the start it’s not your day. Other days you see things will go poorly for every single person in your sphere of influence by about 3 o’clock.

For some reason the Big 12 saw the playoff hope cannibalization going on in the PAC 12 the last five years and thought it looks like fun, let’s get in on it! Honestly, what a dumb decision to make. In four Big 12 games there were four upsets. No favored teams won, not one!

It made for great memes and a wonderful time to laugh from our ivory towers and chant SEC while pointing and hollering.

Texas traveled up to TCU and battled with the Horny Toads. Their defensive issues showed out mightily in their 37-27 loss to the frogs making their record 2-6 against TCU in Big 12 matchups.

Texas Tech lost to Kansas. They didn’t just lose to Kansas, they lost when they blocked a potential game-winning field goal and the returner lateralled it back to Kansas to give them an easier field goal attempt with 1 second left instead of forcing overtime. Jayhawks won 37-34.

Auburn went into death valley to take on the Tigers. LSU had their worst offensive day and still put up 23 points. This was enough to beat Auburn 23-20 in amusing and heartbreaking fashion.

Oklahoma made their way to Kansas State to play the Wildcats on their homecoming game. Kansas State took an absolute hammer to OU and got outscored 41-6 over a key stretch of the game. The Wildcats almost gave up a late lead but would end up winning after a review overturned OU recovering a late onside kick. Kansas State won 48-41.

Before you go any further I must warn you that there are several cusses in the words moving forward. I know I say that every week but there really were lots of mad online people this week. Proceed with caution, if you dare.

SHORT HORNS

Hi, are you a ranked Big 12 team?

Can I interest you in a loss today?

Regardless of the outcome of the game, the TCU red/purple/black combo is dreadful. Worst uniform I’ve seen in a few years.

https://imgur.com/pBY49YK

Baylor wins by doing absolutely nothing

https://i.imgur.com/wIl36ag.png

The Big 12 and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Well it’s a good thing that our primary color is orange, because we’re heading straight for the Cheez-It Bowl this postseason.

Texas is 2-6 against TCU since the Frogs joined the Big 12, lol kill me

Ready for a ranked 5-3 Texas

Things Gary Patterson owns:

Durable khaki pants

Strong belts

Numerous visors

Throat lozenges

Texas football

Herman lost all good will from the Sugar Bowl win.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN IS BACK, FOLKS

Rumors of Texas being back have been greatly exaggerated. Rumors of my demise have been...actually pretty sound.

Texas lost to the team that lost to Kansas last year.

Shane Buechele is leading an undefeated Texas program just like we all thought.

Texas is BACK... to having the same record as A&M.

Texisn’t

For all the bitching and moaning about the defense (and at this point, rightfully so) this offense is unimaginative and stubbornly consistent. We’ve got 7 coaches and God knows how many QCs GAs consultants and whatever else on that side of the ball and the product is shit.

But go ahead. Let’s hear about how us questioning mensa and his offensive firepower (lol) are just being bitchass pussies. We’re just Joe fan and don’t know shit anyways.

Money? We’ve got it all

Facilities? Yep

Recruiting grounds? See above

Why in the hell are we looking like the Minnesota fucking Gophers?

Shut down all athletics at the university. It’s clear we have no interest in winning championships. Focus on academics and quit giving any fucks about athletics in any capacity.

If you want Urban Myer as the next Texas coach cut your dick off and then set yourself on fire.

Tom Herman Is Pressing His Buttcheeks Against Your Mirror & Forcing You To Stare At It

Casey Horny being employed at Texas and shadow-coaching and leading the special teams agenda. This rape-enabling, victim-shaming cunt of a man is actively drawing a paycheck from Texas and in doing so, taking a giant hogger shit all over the game day performance of the program’s special teams.

Why is this guy here and why is he getting to do this shit? Because he and Tom Herman were GAs together at Texas and Tom Herman knows better than you, motherfucker. Nevermind anything else, that’s what this is about.

This piece of shit needs to have his office cleaned out and be handed a one-way bus ticket to Mt. Vernon, where he can help Art Briles fuck up another group of young females’ lives and cheat to win games in 3A football

K. state will put up 600 yards on this defense, if changes aren’t made.

Time to hold CDC accountable: Is he a coward or a man of his word

Is CDC just a press release highlight reel or a man of his word committed to UT athletics living up to its potential. He pledged, “”My goal is for all of our sports to be in the top 10 in the country,” The reality is at the University of Texas, you should be. Every single program should compete for national championships. We’re in a phenomenal city. We have a phenomenal university. You never know if it’s going to happen, but that should be your goal.”

Well Chris, our football team still looks Charlie bad and that’s f’n bad. Mensa in spite of his arrogance hasn’t proven he can develop the talent he recruits and field a team that lives up to the goals you set for them. Shaka has turned our basketball program into a shit show, oh yeah we won a tournament to claim the 65th best program in the country last year. You claimed that you would arm the coaches with the resources to win and that we should compete for national championships and at a minimum finish in the top 10. Well, if you’re actually watching, it ain’t happening. So what are you going to do about it? All the pregame carnival bullshit won’t mean a thing if the SMUs, Baylors, TCUs of the state continue to outperform your coaches and their infinitely greater resources.

You had a chance to be a man of your word and make a change for the basketball program last year, but you didn’t. Will you also sit by and watch this football program deteriorate further or will you insist changes be made? Are your “Goals” meaningless sound bites or measures of your accomplishment and your job performance?

Are you an empty suit, another over paid employee of our athletic program, or an agent for change and success?

We’re watching.

MATADOR DEFENSE

Kansas beat Texas Tech in football

Name a better duo: Les Miles & being involved with monumentally stupid Special Teams plays

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

/always sunny theme plays

”Everyone in the Big 12 goes to a bowl game”

This is a new low.

This program sucks so bad. Any current students on here? I can’t imagine the students give a shit about football. Weve been bad since they were 8 years old. I hope the jones is empty the rest of the year. This program deserves no support.

Carter Stanley sucked in the first half of the season just to give the other heisman hopefuls a headstart

Tech athletics flew too close to the sun in April. This is our waxy wings melting away, the Icarus of our youthful hopes crashing to the rocky, chalky earth below.

Football is officially cancelled everything stinks

We were up 17 to nothing at one point in this game

We blew a 17 point lead to Kansas

This is the best worst day in Big XII history

A link to the video of the blocked kick will be written in my suicide note.

Good at basketball and trash at football. We’re the kansas now.

What a boneheaded play by Douglas Coleman. Holy shit I feel terrible for him

I both hate and love the Big 12 what the fuck was that lmao

Can I get Coleman’s scholarship money to help finish grad school

If Coleman wasn’t the second best player on this team he would’ve been walking home from Lawrence. That shit was inexcusable.

How the FUCK do you forget the fucking score on the last play of the fucking game?

I’ve been watching football for 50 years and that last play was the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen on a football field in my life.

Our safety fucking tripped because a Kansas receiver made a double move on him. Cut his goddamn scholarship right now.

Worst part of this is we can’t give Texas and TCU shit for it anymore

That ending was what we deserved. You let Kansas drop 4 50+ yard bombs on you there’s no reason you should win.

This is a shit ass team and they should feel shitty for losing. None of this damn game made any sense. We clap their cheeks running all game and suddenly in the 4th they turn into Clemson’s D line? And we get beat on bomb after fucking bomb after bomb by goddamn Carter Stanley? This is bullshit I don’t know what happened but it’s total damn bullshit. Fuck everything about this hellish season seriously just forfeight teh last games I can’t watch this shit ass team anymore.

AW IT BURNS MY EYES

If Bo Nix was accurate he would’ve thrown at least four picks.

4 Hour game - fuck you CBS

Couldn’t an offense hypothetically keep holding until the clock completely runs out with those rules?

I think all Tigers fans can agree on one thing.

SEC games on CBS are miserable fan experiences.

https://i.imgur.com/ecz5srR.jpg

We would be scary good with an average QB and O-line. The Auburn Tigers story

Gary: “They’re gonna pick this flag up”

Penalty is called

Gary: “That’s a good penalty call”

So apparently a penalty by LSU can somehow end any chance that Auburn had left. Great to know.

Pretty fitting that LSU finally gets a holding penalty called on them, and it ended up winning them the game.

https://i.imgur.com/VOrttej.png

College has some DUMB rules and running clock on penalty BUT NOT on first downs (until chains is set).

Our offense is like if two trains carrying explosives and sewage collided at full speed in a field flooded with decomposing corpses.

Lol at Gary Danielson just outright saying the Committee should put 2 SEC teams in.

Like ya don’t say the quiet part out loud Gary

Fuck those refs, and fuck Gary too.

My takes in decreasing order of agree-bility:

Fuck CBS and fuck Gary.

Burrow is great. Heisman contender.

Our defense is great. They deserve better from their offense.

LSU deserved to win

Refs were trash

This game WAS as close as the score indicated.

Football is a brutal bloodsport. We shouldn’t be enjoying it.

Refs helped LSU more than us with their terrible calls.

Unfun fact: the last time Auburn beat LSU in Baton Rouge (1999), we lived in a world where there were only 2 generations of Pokémon games and only 2 Toy Story movies.

Please, for the love of god. Before you make a joke about the Tigers winning, type it out, read it, then drop your phone in the garbage disposal

Coach O saying bullshit on national tv is the clearest anyone has ever heard him speak

Joe Burrow looks like a guy that shoots finger guns at himself in the mirror.

Got tripped by a blocker and falls down DIRTY

Nobody has ever held me as much as LSU is holding aub

“They’re not sacking him yet” literally sack on last play ok Gary

Hi I’m Auburn’s Defense and I have DirectTV

And I’m Auburn’s Offense and I go snorkeling in septic tanks.

LATERS

“This call has college playoff implications”...as ref squints into the tiniest screen imaginable.

Hurts kept looking around wondering where that Bama defense was.

For a second that onside kick looked like the dirtiest curve ball I’ve ever seen only to see why in the replay. I seriously thought this dude reinvented the onside kick with that bend and it would change the game forever lmao

Big 12 powers and losing to Kansas teams, name a more iconic duo.

What if Jalen Hurts transferring was just a devious plan by Nick Saban to keep OU out of the championship?

Wheels really came off this wagon didn’t they?

This Hurts Oklahoma’s chances of going undefeated this season.

Oklahoma was a 23.5-point favorite.

They were up 17-7 at the end of the first quarter.

They got outscored 41-6 over the next 32 minutes, before scoring 17 straight and ultimately losing because an onside kick was touched a half yard too early?

Peak Big 12 football right there.

Apologi 4 bad englsh

where were u when OU’s playoff hopes died?

i sat at home in stillwater eating hideaway pizza and drinking stilly wheat

announcer: “OU is kill”

me: “yes”

I started this game hungover and I’m gonna end it with another drink.

And Baylor is the only undefeated team left in the Big12, just as we all predicted

https://i.imgur.com/GoeCJoe.png

The birth of the 2019 playoff controversy

OU were 24 point favorites.

K-State: “Nah. We’re winning straight up.”

Kansas State ALMOST BLEW a 48-23 lead, take notes Falcons how to win the next time you have a 28-3 lead in a big game

Guess OU should’ve started the comeback...

puts on sunglasses

...sooner.

*through tears* YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Wagon: crashes

Fans: We need to treat this as an omen. Lincoln you should prepare for stuff like clock management or something

Lincoln’s response

ɹǝuooɥɔs ɹǝuoos^

It isn’t OU football if we dont lose to a random team in the middle of the season

THE WAGON TIPPED OVER WHILE FLOATING

You have lost:

- 2 oxen

- 4 wagon parts

- 12 sets of clothes

- 251 bullets

- 410 pounds of food

- 1 playoff berth

K-State made OU their homecoming? Absolute balls of steel.

Who the fuck builds a pool just so they don’t have to drive their kid somewhere?

Haven’t seen a Lincoln this upset at a Booth’s decision since the ford’s theatre.