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NSFW: It’s Meltdown Time! Week 6

Loaded with your daily recommended amount of Auburn tears.

NCAA Football: Auburn at Florida Douglas DeFelice-USA TODAY Sports

The college football gods rained down kindness upon Alabama fans this week. Though the Tide took the week off they were given the gift of watching Auburn drop an egg on CBS in front of the whole CFB world.

Other unexpected melters joined the fray from across the country. They air grievances about so many things from poo poo offenses to weather to tortillas. Much can be learned from the melts of those in other cultures. It’s important to broaden your horizons in the melting experience. You never know what you might learn.

Headlining the melting this week is your favorite team to hate: the Auburn Flying Warring Tiger Eagles. Auburn went to Florida as a homecoming matchup of two unbearably inept offenses. Three interceptions thrown by Bo Nix halted any hope of Auburn scoring in the second half, which they did not. Tiger Eagles lost 24-13 to the mighty swamp chompers.

Oklahoma State came into Week 6 ranked 21 for some reason and had great belief in themselves heading into Lubbock. The Cowboys quickly got a wake up call when Texas Tech forced a turnover on OSU’s first drive. It was the first of five turnovers on the day. The Cowboys would lose 45-35 to the Red Raiders.

Iowa faced off against Michigan in a game where their offenses made Auburn and Florida’s look Oklahoma. The Wolverines roared out to a 10 point first quarter and wouldn’t score again. Iowa raged back with a field goal in the second quarter. That’s it. That’s all the scoring. Trust me it was just as bad as it looked on paper. Iowa lost 10-3.

Closing the night, and technically opening the next morning, Washington traveled to face Stanford. A lightning delay pushed back this game well past regularly scheduled PAC 12 after dark times into PAC 12 after my unreasonably late bedtime. Stanford entered the game on their third string qb and without a school bus full of offensive lineman. That didn’t stop Cameron Scarlett from rushing for over 150 yards in a route not nearly as close as the 23-13 score made it look.

Words below are written by potty mouths so y’all know the drill. Put on your protective eyewear before scrolling downward

SWEATER VESTS DON’T SURVIVE SWAMPS

Relationship with losing early to LSU: OVER
Florida is my early season loss now

Despite their best efforts, Florida continues to be undefeated for another week

I honestly don’t understand anything about my University’s sports teams. They make my head hurt constantly.

Kill me

The worst QB performance from a top 10 team I have ever seen.

This game had more turnovers than the Alabama coaching staff

Did Auburn win today?

This is gonna be the game of “what if’s”...
What if Brown hadn’t tripped on the fumble recovery.
What is Williams hasn’t tripped on his long reception that lead to a turn over.
What if Nix hadn’t lost 20 yards in a single play and thrown THREE INTERCEPTIONS

People haven’t been looking at Bo’s completion percentage if they’ve been praising him. Our defense is what wins us games. We forced 4 turnovers and couldn’t do shit on offense because Nix can only throw accurately to the other damn team. Dude needs to work on the accuracy it’s horrible

QB: runs the ball
Gary: He reminds me so much of Tim Tebow

“That ball came out of his hand before it left his hand” -Gary Danielson 2019

Big Mistake Florida. You’re supposed to lose to Auburn if you want to win the championship.

Friendship ended with “Florida is overrated they don’t deserve to be top 10”.
“Auburn is overrated if they weren’t SEC they wouldn’t be ranked that high” is my new best friend.

LMAO that was some great commentary right there.
”They’re gonna force a punt with a timeout”
”No they don’t have a timeout”
”Yeah... but they’re going to force a punt anyway because of the clock”
”Well, unless they run around for a few seconds.”
”Yep those are the options.”

This would be a fun game to watch if I wasn’t putting the entirety of my self worth in it

Nobody expects a trick play to the cripple

Nix can’t hit the broadside of a barn but he can hit a gator in the chest?

Run the damn read option and negate the crashing ends. Auburn can’t win without establishing the run and we didn’t do that today.

@GusMalzahn Bro you need to work on your playcalling and Bo needs to work on his decision making. Y’all ruined a strong defensive performance with your mental errors. Be better or take a hike.

COW NOPES

oSu was out coached. Good job TTech. Cowboy Players acted like they were hungover. TTech players definitely wanted it more. uO will kill us if we play and coach like today’s performance

Mass Suicide at Theta Pond. See y’all there; better hope you die, or else you’ll get some nasty ass disease from it.

be me waking up at 2pm hungover
oof my head
got banned from farmeronly.com last night
very unfortunate
wonder how bad tech is losing
checks score
oh shit i’m still drunk

wtf was that camera shit? Our one goddamn good play of the game and they straight up don’t show it? How are you on an iso cam for a whole damn play??

I think OSU and Tech should play on the last Saturday of October every year and OSU has to wear orange and Tech has to wear black. We’ll call it the Spooky Bowl. Edit: today is already spooky enough nvm

The mullet should be cut. Time to get serious again.

He’s no longer a man and he’s no longer 40 but they’re still coming after him.

We just got dominated by a Jett Duffy led Texas Tech. Welcome to the pit of misery boys and girls

Make no mistake. This game was not close.

Oh no...THIS is the bad place!

Dough goes in
Forced turnovers come out
Wish I could explain it, but I can’t

Who knew it would be hard to compete with 5 turnovers??

Existence is pain as Oklahoma State football fan.

Can’t wait to read a pistolsfiringblog article on how we needed this and we played a better game than you think

Run on 3rd and 14. Fire Yurcich? Oh wait

The state of this league is more confusing than it was during our “one true champion” years.

Whelp, time to drink myself to death. See you assholes at Murphy’s tonight.

“We got out coached”
says the nations 8th highest paid head coach.

This happened because I had tortillas this morning.

Jett Duffey tore our secondary apart today. I see them keeping him as the starter for the remainder of the season even when Bowman returns. Sanders made far too many mistakes for us to be competitive today. The score is not even close to a representation of this game. I hope he can screw his head on because he does have a lot of talent and is capable of making some huge plays, but he doesn’t have the mind of a great QB yet. O line didn’t give him any help at all either

Pre-game: OkSt is clearly the 3rd best team in the big12 and TTech is somewhere between 6-9.
Post-game: ¯_(ツ)_/¯

IWA (NO ‘O’)

Iowa had 4x as many turnovers as they did rushing yards.

IF YOU DONT LOVE GAMES LIKE THIS THEN I AGREE WIH YOU

Watching Big Ten offense in the fourth quarter is like watching a slacker do homework at the last second to make up for the the wasted time they’ve could’ve done it. Sometimes it works out and a miracle happens but most of the time it’s just a failure.

I feel like I watched a social experiment or perhaps performance art that I’m not smart/stupid enough to understand

Documents
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Iowa @ Michigan 2019
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Quarterbacks
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Pass attempts that were in bounds
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⚠️ This folder is empty

Everyone in the 1st Q: imagine if this ends 10-3 lol
Everyone in the 4th Q: https://m.imgur.com/gallery/cnu2RrM

This game was like loveless sex between a pair of 60-year-olds.

UNRANK BOTH OF US

Michigan: would you like to move past the 35?
Iowa: no, I don’t think I will

Michigan’s gonna be in the top 15 and it’s going to be so fraudulent

Iowa gained 36 inches running the ball. They averaged 1.2 inches per rush

This was the most boring football game I’ve ever watched. Both of these teams are going to lose by 30 in a mediocre bowl game to a 3rd tier SEC team

Congratulations you’ve completed an NCAA Instant Assic!

And if you didn’t like that game, you just don’t like B1G football! And I didn’t like that game!

2017: that’s B1G football and it’s beautiful
2019: I want to scoop my eyes out with spoons so I never have to watch this team play ever again.

I hate football. See you guys tomorrow

Me: hello
Fox: DISH HAS DROPPED FOX, SO YOU’RE GOING TO MISS OUT ON YOUR CHILD’S BIRTH.

Cutting edge research being done at Iowa

It’s the battle of the quarterbacks starring Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles

It’s BIG. It’s NUDE. It’s two greased walruses in a slap fight.

Who would have thought that the Masked Singer wouldn’t be the worst thing Antonio Brown did this year?

Terrible ball spots and Michigan, name a more iconic duo

If Iowa sends this game to OT, they should be prosecuted for war crimes

Honestly Iowa should just take 2 sacks then convert on 3rd and 30

Hi, I’m Iowa’s Defense, I showed up to play today against the #14 team in the nation.
Hi, I’m Iowa’s Offense, my ma drank when she waas pregnant

I am straight up not having a good time

Kirk Ferentz has never punted on fourth and goal. Yet

SAD DOGS

hello everyone. Oregon State is now tied for second in the P12 North

Stanford drained the clock and the spirit of the Huskies in what can only be considered the most depressing upset

lol fuck this conference

Washington looked like smelly poop on offense. Trust me I know what a smelly poop offense looks like

The Pac-12 is going as the Donner Party for Halloween this year.

I think I’ve come to accept now that this conference hates the playoff

Yeahhh it might be a while.

Fuck you Larry Scott. You don’t give a single mother fucking fuck about us fans who go to the games. Me and my friend went home and this game will probably be canceled because you have to sell our fucking soul to New Yorkers who don’t even watch this shit.
Fuck you FUCK YOU. I wish you could get tared and feathered in broad daylight in the Arizona heat. FUCK YOU!

Folks this may be the PAC’s first morning game despite claims they would not be having any

Wet floor sign has fallen in Husky Stadium where I’m at. Will advise as society continues to crumble.

We are not good

Turns out the way you get better is you play your backup QB and injure half your offensive linemen.
Who knew?!

This is the most pathetic loss of Coach Pete’s tenure in Washington. Neither side of the ball came ready to play, and that’s on him.

Pac12: hits blunt
Pac12: But What if we add more chaos

At this point there’s an audible groan in the stadium after every lightning strike

The Pac 12 is just a funny way to say a 12 way football assisted suicide pact

Well me and my friend are going home. Thanks Larry Scott for selling our fucking souls to east coast media instead of going to a game at a decent time

The stadium just lost power. PAC 12 in the dark

Pac12 After The Bars Close.

I sat in the stands in Berkeley when the final whistle blew on our 0-12 season. Ain’t no lightning going to chase me away. But maybe it should have

It’s one thing if you guys do something that actually warrants beating us in that scenario with your team half dead...trick plays, deep shots where you guys make a play, anything.
But we just, did nothing. The whole fucking game. Just sat back on defense and let you guys punch us in the mouth and on offense we just kept fucking ourselves over with dumb playcalling and terrible play and nobody adjusted anything.

Credit to Stanford for the win but holy shit...nobody on UW seemed to give 2 shits about anything that was happening out there today.

In the wise words of Mike Leach: “Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody.”