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63 Things to Love About Alabama: “There was no safe way to test the squirrel for meth.”

This is not a parody.


The South catches its fair share of grief for being plagued by meth, the Platonic ideal of a white trash drug if ever there were one.

And, it is true: methamphetamine production, use (and explosions) are endemic in the South and Midwest. Last year in Alabama, there were 192 meth lab “incidents” — good for 13th in the nation (but still nowhere near as bad the Meth Belt of Missouri, Indiana, Kentucky, and Tennessee).

But, earlier this week came a story so uniquely redneck, so low brow in its batshit insanity, so fevered in its delusion, that it could have only come from the mind of the Ostrich...or from the actual pages of Alabama news:

There is a whole lot to unpack here. And, gratefully, every word of it is true:

Alabama investigators say a man kept a caged “attack squirrel” in his apartment and fed it methamphetamine to ensure it stayed aggressive.

The News Courier reports authorities are seeking 35-year-old Mickey Paulk on multiple charges including possession of a controlled substance.

Law enforcement was warned of the animal prior to executing a search warrant...

While it’s not Tennessee, it did occur in Athens. And, proximity to the Vols almost certainly played a part in creating this accepting culture of methed-out attack squirrels.

It also spawned a new Alabama state seal bearing our new motto: “There was no safe way to test the squirrel for meth.”

This is a story that could have only come from Alabama; one that combines rugged outdoorsiness, feral pets, good old fashioned redneckery, and — of course — the white trash drug of choice. In Alabama, the headlines are always stranger than parody.

As for the squirrel?

Officials from the state’s Department of Conservation recommended releasing the animal, which deputies did successfully.

No word on whether there are rehab clinics for fuzzy woodland creatures. But, at least he’s back home and has one helluva’ story to tell over acorns this winter.

63 Days until Football Season

Roll Tide