WAKE UP! Week Three college football television schedule, viewing guide, and unwatchable filth

First thing’s first — here’s your schedule. All times Eastern.
Second — I’m a bit rushed: I’m packing and have 9 days to get out of my house and settled in a new one — No last second betting tips or lines. Though, you can check out the current spreads at SportsLine and get some #hot action from this week’s Giving Away Money.

Must Watch:

Texas Tech at Arizona — a P12/B12 nightcap shootout...of sorts. Kevin Sumlin has a way of screwing these up. Tech is the better team here, with the more solid defense and more skilled offense. But, the Wildcats will have the single best player and the homefield; both somewhat negate that TTU is a better squad (and probably why this spread is razor thin.) If you’re still up, this one could be a lot of fun.

Florida at Kentucky — “Really,” you ask? If you know anything about this series, lopsided though it has been, for about two decades the Wildcats have made this a very uncomfortable trip for the visiting Gators. Last year, UK lined up and whipped Florida’s ass all over the field...in the Swamp. With UF down its best RB and WR, and the passing game still showing no signs of life, this game is probably going to be a lot closer than the names on the jerseys suggest it should be.

Alabama at South Carolina — This is a beatdown waiting to happen. The players may have been 11-13 when Alabama got smoked by the Ole’ Ball Coach in Columbia, but you can bet Nick Saban hasn’t forgotten. Plus, he lives to destroy his former coaches. It could be ugly, but the Tide have a lot of questions to answer today and a complete game to put together — something they have failed to do against far worse competition. Keep an eye on the ‘backs hitting the holes; the newly-reshuffled DBs; and how the freshmen look in the linebacking corps against a true freshman QB. Every team in the country has to know that underneath in the soft nougaty center is where to attack Alabama’s passing defense.

El Assico — When Iowa State and Iowa tee it up, it’s almost always a physical, closely-contested game with plenty of defense and nailbiter finishes. That’s more than enough reason to watch. These two schools and fanbases simply do not like one another. At all — the homegrown kids in Ames vs. the Chicagoans dotting the Iowa City landscape. It’s the Corn version of the Egg Bowl or the Iron Bowl, and mainly for the same reasons: a toxic culture clash.

Southern Miss at Troy — This CUSA/Sun Belt cross-conference affair may wind up being the best game of the day. The last time these two faced off, the Trojans scored a late TD to win 36-31 and break a 70-year winless streak against the Golden Eagles. Expect some points and some bad blood.

Stanford at UCF — Do the Knights get to skate into a New Year’s Six bowl with a home whooping of the Cardinal? Given how most of the AAC has looked this year, UCF seems again to be towering above everyone. Stanford’s defense was terrifyingly bad against speed in space, and that is one thing Josh Heupel is absolutely going to try and replicate. Do the Cardinal have enough shells in the chamber to endure a shootout?

Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Grab the Remote:

Hawai’i at Washington — Perhaps last week was just a fluke for the Doogs. Petersen has matched up terribly with Wilcox’s Cal scheme. But the coaching breakdowns were more concerning. Hawai’i isn’t going to come to the mainland and get a win in Seattle. But, they could make it uncomfortable. They’ve played better on the road the past two seasons and are 2-0, with two wins against P5 teams. Well done, Rainbow Warriors.

TCU at Purdue — A weirdly intriguing game between two teams we don’t know very much about. Purdue per usual under Brohm plays awful (and awful defense) on the road. But at home, esp. at night, the Boilers are a different team. TCU should have the talent and coaching advantage here, but a night roadie to West Lafayette for an enigmatic Frogs team could have us reaching to find this on ole’ cable box.

Clemson at Syracuse — Yes, we know: Dabo’s teams play weirdly on the road. But if you saw Maryland take the top off the Orange defense last week with simple RPO slants and dive plays, you get a feeling that today won’t be the day for a Tigers’ collapse. Not with those wide outs; not with ETN pounding the rock; and not with Trevor Lawrence making a ton of zero-step drops and quick RPOs. The ‘Cuse defense was absolutely putrid. Sunshine may finally get on track after several meh games to open the season. Probably gonna be a beating, but just in case...

Duke at Middle Tennessee — No one is suggesting you actual watch this one. But, do keep an eye on the score and the box score. It’s always nice in the early season to keep an eye on ‘Bama’s previous opponents to gauge how good the Crimson Tide may be.

Photo by Logan Stanford/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Unwatchable Filth

Florida State at Virginia — This is your true culture clash today. The gloriously gaudy and lowbrow Panhandle culture travels to the rolling hills of the Old Dominion. Their opponent? A public ivy founded by our third president, the author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson...using his own private library. Ole Miss claims they redshirt Miss Americas. But Virginia redshirts investment bankers, while FSU oversigns those with misspelled tattoos and other rabble who will never be productive taxpayers. We are always one more shotgunned Natty away from FSU fan becoming Florida Man.

It’s too bad that we can’t actually be in the stands for this one, as the UVA students frantically Google search “does poor rub off on you.” The people watching will be better than the football watching. Because, ladies and gents, this game is going to be hands-down the very worst matchup of Power 5 opponents today. Yes, worse than El Assico; worse than an awful Pitt team traveling to Happy Valley; even worse than Ohio State at Indiana. And, like the fanbase and academic environments, this too is a clash of cultures.

Virginia likes to slow-roll the game. Run the ball, play defense, put a very boring 60 minute product and 8 iffy wins on the field — even grading on the ACC’s putrid curve. Bronco Mendenhall isn’t mediocre defined, his Cavs teams are indeed the platonic ideal of that concept: 61st in rushing, 62nd in passing, 67th in total offense.

And he likes it that way.

Meanwhile, FSU likes to do...well, whatever it is that Willie Taggart is doing down there (besides angling for a buyout.)

Florida State is 108th in the country in rushing defense, giving up almost 200 yards a game. Virginia, meanwhile, is 15th. Florida State is 119th in passing defense, while the Cavs are 25th. UVA clocks in at a handy 14th in total defense and 26th in scoring defense. The Seminoles are 120th in scoring defense — allowing 40 per game. The ‘Noles are cromulently worse than the sum of their woeful parts though, being 124th in total defense.

This is where I remind you there are 130 D1 teams.

The movable force versus the very resistible object.

Watching an ACC game is bad enough. But watching the worst-coached team in America, one that blew two double-digit three-score leads at home to two G5 teams, is beyond the pale. To watch them play perhaps the most boring team in all of the Power 5, is just a cry for help.