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Sunday Morning Hangover: SEC Mascot Battle Royale

The most important question of the weekend.

Inauguration of the Flavian Amphitheatre
Elephants have been kicking ass for centuries.

Have you heard the old saying “ask a stupid question and you’ll get a stupid answer”? Well, when you go up against Washington State head coach/mad genius Mike Leach and ask him a stupid question, you might just to get an intelligent and articulate answer.

Some goofball reporter asked Leach if all twelve of the PAC-12 mascots “met for a Battle Royale, which one would come out on top?” Surely this reporter was just hoping for some short little quip that he could Tweet out to his 200 followers. What he got was a well-thought out honest answer.

It sounds like the Sun Devil would easily win this bout with his scorching powers. This triviality got me thinking about the SEC mascots. So, here is your Sunday morning silliness to argue over: “In a Battle Royale fight between the SEC mascots, who would come out on top?”


Alabama Crimson Tide: Elephant

Arkansas Razorbacks: Wild pig

Auburn Tigers: Tiger

Florida Gators: Alligator

Georgia Bulldogs: Inbred dog with respiratory problems

Kentucky Wildcats: Wildcat

LSU Tigers: Tiger

Mississippi State Bulldogs: Inbred dog with respiratory problems

Missouri Tigers: Tiger

Ole Miss Rebels: An elderly man.

South Carolina Gamecocks: Rooster

Tennessee Volunteers: 19th century man with a one-shot musket

Texas A&M Aggies: Agriculture student

Vanderbilt Commodores: Cornelius Vanderbilt


The way I understand it, there are none. It’s basically everyone against everyone and only one can be standing at the end.


Round 1 - The Tigers

You might mistakenly think that the three tigers would join together to take down the others. However unlike their cousins the lions, tigers are solitary creatures and do not hunt in groups. As a matter of fact, these unfamiliar big cats would probably attack each other first as they see each other as threats. After these three duke it out, the last one standing would probably be too weak to finish off the others.

Round 2 - Appetizers

The two bulldogs are pathetic products of inbreeding who can barely stand. Done. The Rooster may be able to elude the others for awhile but they aren’t killing anything. I’m thinking the wildcat’s instncts send him after an easy chicken dinner.

Round 3 - The Humans

The rebel is some old man with a big hat and a suit. He’d probably be first to go. The agriculture student can probably calculate the probabilities of his demise. The volunteer is an untrained soldier who may get off one shot before being pounced. Cornelius Vanderbilt was the Vandy school founder but was not an actual military man. He was a rich business man who was nicknamed the “Commodore” because of the way he ran his business. Toast.

Round 4 - The Finalists

Wild pig, wildcat, injured tiger, alligator, elephant.

Feral pigs are apt to attack when feeling threatened. The razorback’s best chance for survival would be to challenge the wildcat who may scratch and bite but not survive. Sensing weak opponents, the alligator would probably go after the pig or tiger. His elusiveness would diminish with a carcass in his jaws and no body of water to escape to.

Round 5 - Winner

The elephant would trample any of these m***** f*****s.

Roll Tide