WAKE UP! Week Five college football television schedule, viewing guide, and unwatchable filth

Due to the way the calendar fell this year, every team was allowed to schedule two bye weeks. That is great for the teams but as fans we suffer the repercussion of games being more spread out. That offshoot causes a smaller number of must-see games per Saturday.

Despite all that, there are still some scrumptious delectables to be consumed.

Below is your schedule. All times Central (as God intended).

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Don’t Miss:

Ole Miss at No. 2 Alabama (-38): In his time at the Capstone, Nick Saban has repeatedly preached about playing of a “complete game”. Last Saturday, he came close to that goal. But being Nick Saban, he surely found room for improvement. Expect the Crimson Tide to expand on their aim for perfection this week against a lame and beaten team. Ole Miss is a bad, frustrated, and undisciplined team. Expect to see a lot of jawing and overaggressiveness from the Rebels. If the Tide can keep their heads on straight, they should stomp another foe into oblivion. If they let the Land Sharks get into their heads, there could be some blown assignments, stupid penalties, and the like. There is no reason to expect an upset or even a close game, but OM could get a fluke score here and there, including a late score with their first teamers versus the Bama walk-ons and Ben Davis. Yet, it won’t be enough.

Mississippi State at No. 7 Auburn (-10): Auburn is finally getting some notice this week. Gustavo Malzahn is a genius. Bo Nix is the second coming of Pat Sullivan. And the defense could stop half of the NFL offenses. Yep, a nice dose of rat poison is being served on the Plains as a part of a complete breakfast. If Gus follows the script like he usually does and with Florida up next, this should be a too close for comfort win for the Tigers but then they score some B.S. touchdowns at the end to make it look better than it was.

Kentucky (+3) at South Carolina: This is one of those games between equal Jekyll and Hyde teams in which anything could happen. SC gets the favorite nod for playing at home but who knows what they will do? Will Muchamp’s Gamecocks have a history of quitting. Mark Stoops still has his UK squad naively believing they have moved up a tier. The ‘Cats keep it close enough to win.

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Be Ready To Grab The Remote:

No. 18 Virginia at No. 10 Notre Dame (-12½): UVa looked bad in a win over ODU and the Irish looked good in defeat to UGA. It’s a crazy mixed-up universe we live in but the eyeballs don’t lie. Notre Dame should be able to handle the misleading 4-0 Cavs.

No. 21 Southern Cal at No. 17 Washington (-10½): Yeah, I know it’s the PAC-12 but this one will actually be played during daylight hours. Trojans head coach Clay Helton has had his head on the chopping block for a couple years now, but he has his team at 3-1 and ranked. That said, the Huskies will probably hammer them.

Texas Tech at No. 6 Oklahoma (-27): After a week off, Okie is tanned, rested and ready. The Red Raiders just lost to a lousy Arizona team by 14. Expect a lot of crooked numbers for the Sooners and bagels for Double-T on the scoreboard.

No. 5 Ohio State (-17) at Nebraska: We keep waiting for the Cornhuskers to make that big statement that they are “back”. Beating Illinois by four is not the way to do it. The Buckeyes have been steamrolling everyone in their path and might actually be better with Urban Meyer off stealing bread from orphans. Expect anOSU to light it up in Lincoln.

Photo by Douglas Stringer/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

This Week’s Unwatchable Filth

Texas A&M vs. Arkansas (+23): The novelty of these two former Southwest Conference foes meeting in Jerry World has worn off. Don’t be surprised to see an abundance of empty seats and low energy in the cavernous arena.

Arkansas is pathetic. After winning the National Championship over Colorado State in Week 3, they paid San Jose State a truckful of money to beat them senseless. There is no chemistry or playmakers on this talent-deficient team, and no direction or identity. All of this is good news for TAMU.

Has there been a team any more disappointing than the Aggies so far? They beat up on poor little Texas State and a guy named Lamar, but crumble under real competition like Clemson and Auburn. They should easily handle the Razorbacks but you have to wonder how much head coach Jimbo Fisher will play his starters with the Alabama game coming up next. I see this as something like a 38-17 game.

[Big words: cacophony, dilettante, non sequitur, panacea, sycophant]