Breaking: Butch Jones gets a huge promotion

Some very important news out of Tuscaloosa tonight, as Butch Jones has earned a well deserved promotion:

As is the case with so many happenings around the Alabama program, there is more to this story than meets the eye.

Sources tell Roll Bama Roll that Jones has had a somewhat contentious relationship with offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian. In fact, some would say that Sark has been downright mean to Jones, constantly pulling pranks on him. We’re talking ruthless stuff here: from molding Jello around Butch’s stapler to moving Butch’s desk into the men’s room, even one day talking the vending machine guy into putting all of Butch’s personal effects into the machine for purchase. To make matters worse, Butch has grown increasingly jealous of Sarkisian as Alabama’s offense received various accolades. I mean, who couldn’t put up numbers with those players?

Recently, Sarkisian feigned interest in a University of Colorado head coaching position that pays less than his current Alabama salary. Sark pulled out all the stops this time, even going so far as to interview and leak to the media that he was the frontrunner. This late in the game, Saban would have few choices to replace Sark and would surely look to Butch to take the reigns of an offense with boatloads of returning talent.

When Butch found out that this was merely a ruse and Sark’s most elaborate troll yet, he hit the roof. Without hesitation, he marched into Saban’s office to resign, effective immediately.

In true Saban style, he remained calm, his death stare worth a thousand words.

“And who the hell is gonna gas up my Mercedes, Butch?”

Defeated, Jones gazed down at his crimson Crocs and apologized. Saban, getting softer with age, took pity on Butch and gave him a unique title that no one in the organization has ever held: Special Assistant to the Head Coach. His only duties are to be undyingly loyal to Saban and never, ever refer to himself as Assistant Head Coach. Rarely have five letters meant so much as “to the” do in this instance.

In the end, everyone is happy. Butch gets to stick around and Saban maintains some level of staff stability. Now Butch can go back to his daily grind, this time wondering what Sark did with the Saban bobblehead Jones keeps on his desk...

Hopefully we don’t have to tell anybody that, while the promotion and title are real, the rest of this is a big old joke.