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Jumbo Package: The Curious Tale of Jeff Banks’ Fully Vaccinated Biting Stripper Monkey

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Never a dull moment in college football.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: OCT 30 Texas at Baylor Photo by John Rivera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Happy Tuesday, everyone.

College football’s absurdity is one of the things that keeps us coming back for more, and this was on full display last night. Remember former Alabama special teams coach Jeff Banks?

A couple of years ago someone on the internet discovered that Jeff’s marriage had failed while at Texas A&M, and he had become involved with a lady named Danielle, aka Pole Assassin, who happens to be a pole dancer and former guest of the Jerry Springer Show where she performed her routine with her pet monkey. According to her social media accounts, the pair wed and she followed Jeff from College Station to Tuscaloosa, then to Austin when he decided to go with Sark.

Everything was fine until Halloween night.

Well, that is definitely not good news.

Being that Banks is pretty wealthy and the alleged incident happened on their property, leaving open the strong possibility of a lawsuit, most folks would likely opt to stay mum on the matter and consult an attorney.

Pole Assassin is not most folks. In a referendum on modern communication, she decided to defend herself on social media and tell the world that her monkey did, in fact, bite a child.

Well, at least that’s a relief.

Just to be sure, Ms. Assassin followed up with a video recap of the incident.

She apparently, finally, got some legal advice because she has taken down all of her social media accounts. This is one hell of a tale, and made for an interesting Monday night. College football twitter was all kinds of lit, but this thread probably took the cake.

Ah, college football. The gift that keeps on giving.

OK, some actual football news. CBS Sports moved Alabama up to number 2 in their rankings, a departure from the AP and Coaches’ polls which both have Cincinnati in that spot.

Among teams in the top 20 of the our comprehensive ranking of every FBS team, only No. 1 Georgia still holds its current position from last week’s balloting.

Alabama overtook Cincinnati for No. 2, Ohio State dropped from No. 4 to No. 6 behind both Oklahoma and Michigan State, and losses by top-15 teams — Ole Miss, Iowa, Kentucky and Pittsburgh — provided plenty of room for upward movement within the top 30.

Of course, the only rankings that matter are released tonight for the first time this season, at 6pm CT on ESPN. Erick Smith at USA Today believes that the Bearcats will be ranked lower by the committee.

Given the situation, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see any combination of Alabama, Michigan State and Ohio State ahead of Cincinnati in Tuesday’s first reveal. You could even make the argument that Oklahoma since the move to Caleb Williams at quarterback has been more impressive than the Bearcats in October.

Should the committee not mirror the polls, the easy argument is going to be that it is biased against Group of Five teams. That’s too simplistic. There’s a lot working against Cincinnati. It has faced two teams with winning records and play in a conference significantly weaker than its competitors. Its last two wins against Navy and Tulane, who have combined for three victories, have been unimpressive. That’s all going to be factored by the committee and the result is probably not going to be in its favor.

If this Cincinnati squad is really one of the four best in the nation, just burn the whole thing to the ground. Spoiler: it is not.

Michael Casagrande notes that there just isn’t much juice for this year’s game with LSU.

For the first time since Mike Shula walked the Alabama sideline, this game won’t be on CBS. The network had been just announcing the Tide and Tigers would be its one primetime game before the season, needing nothing more than their reputation for classic battles to lock in that spot. This year, the networks didn’t decide on Alabama-LSU timeslot until the Sunday before when an 11 a.m. kickoff was still in play.

LSU (4-4) is a 29-point underdog without All-American defensive backs Derek Stingley and Eli Ricks among the seven defensive starters out for the 6 p.m. game set to kick off on ESPN. Star receiver Kayshon Boutte is the top offensive player who is out for the season as injuries have decimated the last two LSU teams.

Hey remember when Barrett Sallee had LSU beating Alabama this year?

Good times.

Saban seems pleased overall with the team’s practices last week.

— Bryce Young is a competitor who prepares hard and is intense in practice and in games. They haven’t been disappointed in his play but Saban notes the improvement over time with his first-year starting QB.

— LB Drew Sanders will be back to practice this week and further X-rays are still required but Saban said there’s a good chance he’ll be cleared to play against LSU.

Getting Drew back would be very nice.

Matt Hayes is still quite bullish on Alabama.

Alabama is No. 2 in the nation in scoring offense (45.9 ppg.), and No. 4 in run defense (89.6 ypg.).

Georgia’s strength is scoring defense (5 TD in 8 games), and rush offense (193 ypg.)

See where this is headed?

So amid all the fabricated Alabama doom and gloom – even Saban has joined the chorus: “I think (mistakes) really need to get corrected, or they’re going to cost us at some point,” — it’s time to remind everyone that Alabama has an offense that will score on anyone (including Georgia), and a quarterback who has yet to show his full skill set.

Guess we will see how it all shakes out, but you have to believe that a QB change is imminent in Athens.

Last, if not for the Pole Assassin, the best story of the night would have belonged to former Alabama walk-on Derrick Gore, who ran for 41 yards and scored his first NFL touchdown in the Chiefs’ win over the Giants.

Gore played at Alabama in 2015 and 2016, starting his college career as a walk-on. He entered the NFL from Louisiana-Monroe as an undrafted rookie with the Los Angeles Chargers in 2019.

Gore gained 108 yards on 24 rushing attempts at Alabama. He scored once for the Crimson Tide, running 10 yards for a touchdown in Alabama’s 54-16 victory over Florida in the SEC Championship Game on Dec. 3, 2016. Gore also blocked a punt in that game, and Josh Jacobs picked up the bouncing football and returned it for a Tide touchdown.

In two seasons at Louisiana-Monroe, Gore ran for 1,247 yards and 12 touchdowns on 295 carries and caught 34 passes for 254 yards and one TD.

What an outstanding story of perseverance. Great stuff.

That’s about it for now. Have a great day.

Roll Tide.